Life is painful

Today, I had the shock of my life. There's this customer i met while I was still at O. He was a customer who attended the same training I did. He is a foreigner who worked here for 7 years. I mentioned WORKED becoz he has since left to go back to his homeland. But being out of the country for so long, obviously he hated the lifestyle back home now.

I can relate to that as during the initial period when I got home from the states, everything just seemed wrong in every aspect. As time went by, I beginning to appreciate my family. I still dislike somethings but I learned to appreciate some things too.

Today I saw him over the chat, he had seemed very uncommunicative of late. But I just shook it off as you know, maybe I am just a bore and he didn't want to talk. For the few times we chatted over the months, he kept saying to me " Mystic, learn to love yourself".

Today he told me that he is at the verge of suicide and he couldn't contain himself from shedding tears. That reminded me of myself just last week. Last friday after breaking down like a psycho, i went to church to find solace. I wish i could be there for him, hold his hand and tell him that i am here to support him. Its so very different when you're miles apart and you have this friend that is feeling so much pain within and doesn't know what to do. I can totally relate to that. Its so sad. I saw the mirror of myself in him all of a sudden. Coz during that period of pain, I tried calling my so called close friends none bothered to pick up the phone none bothered to call me back. It felt so alone and you feel like you've been crushed.

Let me share with you. All this past year i have known him, he had been this strong person. Strongest i have ever met. One that knew what he wanted out of life. One who is educated, one who spoke afew languages, one who gave up a mgt position to be an ordinary DBA/programmer. One who just recently got a good offer to work in canada for 3 months and then going back again for another 3 months. He was due to go in the next couple of weeks. Then this sudden break down really shocked me. There was no signs. I guess being in this situation is more lethal than ever.

He mentioned that he received this document that says, "people who love you always leave you, people whom you hate always stick around." Well i certainly hope that's not true. Maybe its loneliness that is crippling him. maybe just like me, he has lost sight of what he is fighting for, what he's goal is. He isn't telling me whats the true reason but kept saying its too late. But whatever it is, I will say a prayer for him as I know how awful and draining and what it makes you feel like doing " end your life". Some people think its a joke, but truely, they will never really know if they have never ever been in that situation. Its almost crippling. When you try but its just engulfs you so tight that you do wish you were dead.

I have a friend let's call her, J. She had life easy so she views that there shouldn't be problem in the world. She can't comprehend it and i dont' think she will ever be able to comprehend it. I hated it so much when she sits on her high horse and lectures. To me, don't preach about something you have no experience in and think that theory can help you solve it.

Maybe people like us just needs a listening ear, a sympathetic heart and an encouraging word. Is that so hard to give to someone you call FRIEND?